Wednesday 20 May 2015

The Waiting Game

I'm not very good at waiting.
It feels like that's all I ever seem to be doing, waiting for:
  • a bus/train
  • a response to a job application
  • a film to start
  • meetings to start
  • meetings to end
  • letters/emails/texts from...?
  • results of exams/medicals/interviews...
  • appointments (doctor/dentist/optician/prospective jobs)
  • an answer to a question
  • even, God
Perhaps I'm impatient.
Is there something else better that I could be doing?
What do you do to fill the 'waiting' time?

This may not be the most Christian of anecdotes - but I'm forever reminded of the story about the man who prayed every night that he would win the lottery.  After weeks/months/years of waiting unsuccessfully to win, the man screams at God and says, 'why don't you answer my prayer?'  God responds, 'because you didn't buy a lottery ticket.'

I am currently in a state of restless limbo - uncertain of what the future holds but itching to move forward, to rediscover purpose, routine and passion in my daily life.  What exactly my 'lottery ticket' is, I do not know, but I realise that I must be actively seeking an answer somehow.  For the time being, I have decided to move away from classroom teaching - although my recent visit to my former primary school did make me reconsider for a split second.  (Thank you all at Christ Church for making me still feel part of your wonderful family despite having left two years ago!)  But the truth of the matter is that volunteering opened doors that I never knew existed (for me)...

And now follows the dilemma when faced with doors of opportunity.  If I face a closed door, what should I do?  Is it closed for a purpose?  Do I wait for someone to open it?  Do I knock and wait?  Or do I just try to open it myself?  Perhaps it's not just waiting that frustrates and confuses me but the different doors before me.  Some are easier to open than others but which do I actually walk through?

I've decided to 'knock and wait' but in the meantime, I hope to keep a hand/foot/eye in primary education and become a private tutor...SO, if there are any (North London based) parents looking for an English/Science or Maths tutor for KS1/2 (or know of ones who are looking) - LOOK NO FURTHER!  Please do get in contact if you are interested.

In any case, I am waiting.
Isaiah 40:31



Wednesday 6 May 2015

Google Earthing

Friends have asked/encouraged me to continue with my musings...so here I am.

I've been back a month already (how? I do not know, but it feels like the fastest and the slowest month of my life all at the same time!)
I'm feeling somewhat out of place...still...
2 successful job applications, 2 unsuccessful interviews and I'm left with a sense of uncertainty.
Perhaps my confidence has been shaken - for what I thought I knew to be true of myself appears to no longer stand...

So what's the rush to apparently 'settle' into life here again?  (I avoided using the word, 'back' because I don't want to go backwards...) Thankfully I am in a privileged (and luxurious) position to be free from financial responsibilities (although I do miss my car...), I am surrounded by the love and support of my family (and friends) and I am grateful for the years of squirrelling I did before volunteering in Rwanda.  It would appear that I need to ease off the self-imposed pressure upon myself.

My mind may be tempestuous, but with a little faith, I know the storm will pass.  (Matthew 8:23-27)  So much to be learnt from this story - despite knowing what has been before having lived and breathed the miracles passed, when the winds roar and the waters rise, what do I do?  I call out to God but in panic rather than in faith.  In truth, I'm not in such a dire position at all, I simply miss my life in Rwanda.

So here's what I did, I Google Earthed* where I used to live:
*A new verb that I decided to create

Kinda cool eh?  What the above image doesn't quite show are the contours of the land - basically, between 'The Stadium' and 'The TTC' there is a deep chasm/valley (rather than what you perhaps thought of as flat fields that you could easily pass through to reach the other side.)  The paths are there for a reason...and 'My house' was at the very edge of a massive drop - which you might be able to see more clearly in the next photos.

Even though I have put countless pictures of my former house on my blog, here are a few more to give you a bit of perspective on exactly how compact my life was...


The Tigo building on the end, closest to my (former) house was my local shop, where Jean-Paul, my friendly neighbour, who often used to give me eggs for free, relocated to after being evicted from the mud-hut house next to mine.  (That house actually looks a lot like my old house but with bigger windows!)

The next photo shows the road to the district office at 5.30am, the day I was due to fly back home.  I was standing in the same place as where I took the photos above, only I turned 180 to have two boys from my neighbourhood hug me goodbye and go on their merry way...I don't know where they were going but it was a long road ahead.



This is basically 'The Centre' - i.e. Cyahinda Centre


The path ahead (veering slightly left) was my route to work each day with 'Mama Kabebe's' (my local friendly watering hole) just to the right of that path, just beyond the electricity pole.


I miss the beauty, the simplicity and the disorganisation of Rwanda living but most all, I miss my community.  Only a few elements from my pre-empted reverse-culture-shock post written a couple of months back ring true now.  Mostly I am in mourning for a life that I wonder if I'll ever taste again.