Hard

It's hard to put into words what I've been feeling since being back.

In essence, I never thought it'd be this hard.

Hard to see what lies ahead
Hard to understand what I actually see in front of me
Hard to let go of what I've left
Hard to know that those that I love and love me worry for me

But...

Yesterday was a revelation.  We sang one of my favourite worship songs last night and it spoke volumes to me:

"From The Inside Out" - Joel Houston

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart, in my soul
I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

"Your will above ALL else, my PURPOSE remains" - I find it hard to get out of bed when I supposedly have no purpose to do so right now...but I know that HE has a purpose for me - I've just got to ASK and SEEK Him.

So surprisingly, the talk that followed was also most pertinent, based on Matthew 7:7-14:

Ask, seek, knock

7 ‘Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

9 ‘Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

The narrow and wide gates

13 ‘Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

These are MY verses - the verses I used at age 17 to share my testimony before my baptism; the verses that have brought me comfort and revealed to me the heart of the 'father's' heart.  It was good to be reminded that if we ask God a question, He will answer - but how he answers won't necessarily meet our expectations.  

So now it's a matter of asking and seeking.  And, not that I'm a parent, but I can only imagine how it must feel for the day when your child no longer seeks guidance from you, they become (or believe themselves to be) independent and self-reliant, struggling to solve situations alone and close their ears to (well-meaning) advice.  (Although this knowledge still doesn't stop me snapping at my mother!)  When it comes to God, there is no need for me to come with my tail between my legs and feel shame at having to ask for help (because I haven't done so for such a long time) - He welcomes me with open arms.

I wasn't looking for any answers, I was just happy to wallow in this 'hard' state for a bit and so as I travelled back from church, I was struck again - by a 'randomly' shuffled song:

"Mountain Of God" - Third Day

Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn't even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

'Til You opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn't ever make it
Without You

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
But of all I've had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what's in front of me
With what's in front of me

Last night, I felt like God had knocked me down a few times and more - each time I felt ready to get up, I was struck again.  It wasn't enough to have responded with words of, 'I hear you' - not until I truly heard Him say, 'Here I am' - and for me to echo those words back.

I know that friends and family have been concerned about me of late - but you needn't be.  I'm ok and will be ok...but thank you for your support.  It'll take time for me to 'adjust' but I know that it's His time...so that's ok.

Impact

Living in Rwanda, I constantly questioned the impact that I was having and now, sitting in the airport at Amsterdam waiting for my connecting flight after a 10+ hour flight, I can see what impact I had on people and vice versa.  

My final farewell as you can well imagine, was somewhat teary and bitter-sweet.  The last 48 hours in the village was filled with countless visits, copious amounts of beer and many verbal blessings.  I was overwhelmed by the people who called me, texted me, whatsapped me, visited me to TELL me the impact that I had in their lives and within the community.  Whilst I take much of it with a pinch of salt, I was touched nonetheless by the types of people who seemed to come out of nowhere to thank me for my time in Rwanda - from bus-taxi drivers, sector executives, the quietest of TTC colleagues, shop keepers, children and neighbours.  Despite being such an obvious presence within my village, I often felt anonymous, nameless and unknown.

Back in London (and other countries I've visited/lived in), I've always had the luxury of people KNOWING me - who know my emotions just by looking at me or hearing my ‘hey’, where words are over-rated and sometimes silent prayers spoken over each other is all that is needed.  I missed this immensely in Rwanda - but the last few days have shown me that I had this.

It's not only within the community of Cyahinda that I had this but my VSO friends are amazing too.  London living is/was convenient (although I didn't often appreciate it!) - having a car and being able to see someone in 10mins is sheer luxury - or even being able to jump on a bus at anytime in the day and night, and I hear there are plans for the tube to go 24/7 too?!  But in Rwanda, despite needing to spend hours on end (whether waiting for buses to fill or the actual length of the journey), squashed till your inners are ready to pop out, just to see one-another…we did it.  Most of my friends left for their Easter holiday before I flew back to London and yet on my flight day and still now, I am receiving Whatsapp/Facebook messages and photos to bless my journey.  These are the types of friendships that under normal circumstances may have taken years to nurture and in some instances, may never have even formed...but these haven't been the most conventional 19 months of my life...

And then I cannot forget my friends and family back home.  Cards, letters and care-parcels from all over the world - from Costa Rica and Mexico, USA, Hong Kong, Japan, Australia and of course UK...I have been reminded of God's blessings over and over again - from people I have not spoken to in years on end to my sisters and cousins who sent me regular 'survival packages' - my heart is filled beyond capacity.  Yes, I am getting sentimental and emotional, I think it's the lack of sleep and having been travelling for 24+hrs...

So, I leave you with this (taken from a previous post and expanded upon): even the smallest of pebbles will make ripples, sometimes you don't know how far they stretch but you've made an impact.