Super LONG rant - reason for tears

Today was the end of a LONG and GRUELLING 10 days of training. 

The training was funded by UNICEF with the tag-line: ‘Training teacher-trainers who train teachers to teach…”

I was one of three trainers – or ‘facilitators.’

Background facts:

• The course took place during the Easter holidays – so effectively, the tutors of the TTC only had 1 week out of a 3 week holiday.  (Tough when this is the first holiday/break since term began in January.)
• The tutors were PAID 5000Rwf/day (equates to £5/day) to attend the course, board & meals included.
• The UNICEF facilitators were also paid (undisclosed amount) but as a VSO volunteer – I was not as it is expected that we work during school holidays anyway; any leave must be requested and approved beforehand.
• 12 days of course content was covered in 10 days with participants and facilitators having to work on Good Friday and Easter Monday.

I was fighting a losing battle from the start.  The participants were only there because of the ‘motivation’ of the little money being offered to them.  The training was designed for teachers – but because of the monetary incentive, all manner of staff members crawled out of the woodworks to sign their name on the register daily to claim their remuneration.  It was not fair.

The training was entitled, ‘Active Learning and Life Skills for Teacher Trainers in Rwanda.’

The content was GOOD, it was relevant and NEEDED but unfortunately, like with all things here – there was too much to cover in a short period of time.  To put it into perspective, my contract here is for 2 years (although I have only agreed to do 18months with the prospect of extending…) – what I have been assigned to do is to work with the tutors of the TTC to develop their practice in basically EVERYTHING within that course.  I have been here for 8 months now (wow!?) and I have only just scratched the surface and am still working on concepts that were covered in 2 days within this training.  There was a LOT to cover!  

Today found me reduced to tears in front of the participants.

Training was due to start everyday at 7 am – if you know me, I am NOT a morning person.  Participants would show up anytime between 7.30 – 9:00.  At 7am on the dot, there were maybe 3 out of the 33 registered…these were the most active of participants – they were the keen beans but the ones who made my role worthwhile because they WANTED TO BE THERE.

All others who turned up late would be the first to stand-up at 10:00/12:30/15:00 when there was a break to leave even when someone was speaking at the front of the class; they were the last to return from the 20 minute break times (returning 30-40mins later) and yet they were the first to complain that they did not have enough time to do the activities.

I am not a huge fan of teacher-trainings myself…INSET days are things I dread – repeating the same course/tasks over-and-over-again, being told that there is yet MORE that needs to be done as a teacher (i.e. what we do already is not and never will be enough!)  BUT…when needs must, one rises above all of this, accepts and tries to make the most out of every situation.  There is always room for improvement and learning to be had, so if one is given the opportunity for ‘continual professional development’ – it is taken and done so with hopefully an open mind.  But not here.

Today I cried unexpectedly.  It was coming up to 10am, time for tea but I wanted another group to present their work to end the session.  Whilst the presenter spoke, as per usual, some participants listened carefully, others talked amongst themselves and yet others walked in and out of the classroom on their mobile phones.  Something snapped in me and I stopped the presentation, apologized to the presenter and as I uttered the words, ‘do you know how disrespectful you all are?’ – the tears began to flow.  10 days, 100 hours had taken its toll on me.

As I cried in front of my participants, my colleagues and some of my friends – no one came to comfort me, they just fell silent and stared.

I managed to pull myself together to lecture them on human decency:

“This is your colleague here, show some respect!  Yes, you are tired, yes, it’s nearly break time and you want your tea – but the tea will still be there in 10 minutes – they’re in thermos flasks so it will still be hot!  YOU have all worked for over an hour to prepare these presentations and if you don’t listen to your colleagues, that one hour and this time now is wasted.  What is the point in you being here?  What will you have learnt other than to complain about it being break time?  You’re not only disrespecting your colleague but ME and the other facilitators.  *more tears*  You don’t think we’re tired?  You think we want to be here in OUR holiday?  You think we haven’t been working as hard as you?  Am I being paid to do this?  You’re getting 5000f/day – I’m not.  And don’t tell me it’s because I’m rich…this is my JOB.  We, the facilitators have been here everyday just before 7am and at least till 6pm when you have gone…why have we bothered if you don’t want to learn?

You’ve asked for training and we’re giving it to you, what you wrote down in your expectations – how can they be met if you aren’t willing to learn, to participate?  What is the point in any of us being here?  I know you’d rather be somewhere else – but you’re here and you have to be here – so deal with it.  It’s the last day and maybe it’s too late me saying this now – but why are you wasting your time, my time, your colleagues’ time with your frankly, childish attitude?  Yes, you are teachers, some of you have degrees, some of you already KNOW what is being discussed – but does that mean there is no room for development?  Are you APPLYING what you know?  Your attitude and participation here tells me not.  How can you teach about respect for others when you don’t even respect each other, your colleagues? 

You have all spent an hour preparing this work – for what?  To present to people who aren’t listening?  How does that make the presenter feel?  What was the point in you working and wasting MY resources?

What model can YOU be if you do not practice what you preach?  How can you teach about collaboration and other life skills when you are showing up late to sessions, complaining about minor things beyond MY control and in the grand scheme of things – DON’T MATTER!  It’s not just unfair on the facilitators but those who WANT to learn.  There are people here who have shown up ON TIME, they’ve asked questions and been disrupted by others who talk, they’ve got the same complaints as you – but they understand that there is SOMETHING to be learnt and something is better than nothing.  They want change.  They know that change takes time and effort…and so they're making the best out of their time here.  Thank you to those people.  

UNICEF are putting a lot of money into this training and you may not think it has anything to do with you – but you’re wrong.  They’re investing in YOU – they want to develop YOU because you have the responsibility to train the future generation, the future parents, the future communities, the future leaders – and that is a responsibility that you chose to do when you took on your job.  So how can you be effective in this when you aren’t willing to change habits that we, as a group have identified as being damaging to individuals and society?

I know what happens in a classroom as a teacher, I am a teacher, I have sat in your seats and continue to do so, you have been behaving like your students – but YOU ARE NOT CHILDREN!  YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A HUMAN BEING – so show some respect!” 

Rant over.

This was the first time that I had the full attention of everyone in the room. 

This was the first time there was silence to be had amongst the teachers.

This was the first time that I’d verbalized what I’ve been thinking since I arrived here.

We then went for tea.  There was no use in continuing.  Nobody followed me as I left the room, only the other facilitators.  It took at least another 20 minutes before the participants did join, I didn’t know if they were embarrassed by their behaviour or in fact, embarrassed for me because I’d cried.  But whatever the case, when we returned from break, I had everyone’s undivided attention.  No verbal apologies were given to me but I could see that I had struck a nerve.

This is a sweeping statement, but the ‘aid-giving culture’ has nurtured an (unknowingly) damaging sense of dependency and expectancy here.  Please note, this is not the attitude of ALL people in Rwanda  - nor am I trying to undermine the work of aid workers and those who work for NGOs (after all, I am a volunteer for one of those NGOs.)  Yet, so often have I met people, some very educated people here who simply expect handouts.  Handouts come in many guises – money, materials/resources, food, drink (usually beer) and even answers to problems/questions.  There is no sense of taking responsibility for one’s own problems but instead one is always the victim.  The first thought is not, ‘What have I done that has led me here?’ or ‘What can I do to solve this problem?’ but ‘why has God forsaken me?’ or ‘I do not have any food, I will just go hungry, somebody give me food.’

Why else am I asked on a near daily basis, ‘give me money’ or told, ‘I am hungry’ if someone before me has not come and done exactly that?  How are young children taught that all ‘muzungus’ have money so ask them for it?  Surely it has happened in the past that money/food/pens/sweets were given for there to be an expectation that every muzungu will do the same?

But the way aid is given now has changed – skills are taught/shared for people to farm, to family plan, to promote health and wellbeing and whilst people here happily receive NGOs with open arms and smiles, at the crux of it all – all they want is money and to be taken out of the situation with little or no input on their behalf.  Again, I reiterate, this is NOT everyone and perhaps I am over generalising because I have also met the ‘success stories’ from recipients of aid – those who were granted the opportunity to have an education and even study abroad, who have returned to make a difference within their community; those whose mindsets have expanded to empathise with others and see beyond their growling stomachs; some who have been given the tools and knowledge to farm effectively and are able to feed their family, make a living and provide employment for others; and I have seen the joy in a child who has received a pack of pencils and a notebook, carrying them around as though they are their most prized possessions and showing me their markings, inviting me to draw with them.  Simple joys and reminders that I am not here in vain even if these last ten days have felt otherwise.

I hope that this blogpost does not stop you from donating to 'worthy causes' - people here are (usually) grateful for what they receive and in the end, giving something is better than nothing.  How aid is given/distributed is often beyond our control…but I guess that's why I am here…so I am responsible for the 'aid' I give - the impact that I have out here may be like a pebble dropped into the ocean but as an organisation, as nearly 90 volunteers in Rwanda, when dropped together - the ripples are far reaching.

Remember - Unite - Renew

It's been a while since I last wrote - you may have noticed that as the weeks and months have passed me by here, my writing has become more infrequent.  Part of the reason for this is that I simply do not have a great deal to update you all on - Rwanda has become home and as with all new beginnings, eventually the excitement of a new country and life fades and is replaced with routine and familiarity.

Don't get me wrong, there's excitement to be had around every corner living here and I am learning on a daily basis, but there is only so much one can write about seeing everything and anything being masterfully balanced on heads of adults and children alike; the torrential rain that soaks you to the bone within seconds; the constant cries of 'muzungu' as I step outside my house; the consumption of local banana-beer at seven in the morning by neighbours; and the rolling lush green hills and mountains that surround me.  But today, I have something to write about…

I returned this week from an amazingly lavish and luxurious holiday in South Africa - certainly not a lifestyle associated with a volunteer but hey, what are savings for if not to enjoy life?  

I landed in Jo'burg with much anticipation and joy as I knew that after a night's sleep, I'd be united with my older sister - weekly Skype dates are not a substitute for seeing someone face-to-face!  As I passed the never-ending malls that lined the motorway on my route to my hotel, I began to feel overwhelmed - reverse culture-shock hit me hard!  But that feeling soon passed and I quickly found myself whizzing around said malls with my sister trying to fill every crevice of space left in my hand-luggage-sized case with 'essentials' for life back in Rwanda.

But this is not what I want to write about…

I wanted to write about history - a history that was not so long ago, a history that happened in my lifetime.  In fact, two events that occurred simultaneously within the same continent but starkly contrasting in nature.

Twenty years ago, the world stood helpless and in horror as brutal and unthinkable killings took place across Rwanda over the course of 100 days claiming nearly one million lives.  At the same time, the world followed with great interest, joy and anticipation at the free and fair presidential elections taking place within the same continent, which saw Nelson Mandela elected as the first democratic president of South Africa.  Both events so starkly contrasting in their nature and yet so intrinsically linked - both resulting in the fight against racial segregation/dominance and both being covered by the media across the world - but which took precedence in the eyes of the media/the world?  There are arguments that media coverage of Mandela's success overshadowed what was taking place in Rwanda.  But could more media coverage have prevented/reduced the devastation of the genocide in Rwanda?  Were the eyes of the world wrongly focused on South Africa instead of Rwanda?  I found this article quite interesting to read when looking into this issue:

http://www.voanews.com/content/news-media-and-rwandan-genocide/1886743.html

I remember hearing about both events on the news but as a primary-school-aged child, what could I do?  What was the significance of it all in my life?  Little did I know that exactly twenty years later, I'd be living in one of the countries whilst visiting the other - seeing and experiencing the effects and changes that occurred as a result of these two major events.

Last week, Rwanda began commemorating 20 years since the genocide.  For more information on this, see Kwibuka 20.  Rwanda on the surface has progressed in so many areas since the horrific events that occurred in '94.  People are thought to have moved forward, putting the past behind them and looking towards a brighter future - but the events of '94 continue to haunt and affect so many people.  

I am privileged enough to hear people's stories and memories of this time and with each testimony, I am left with an unsettling sense that issues are deep rooted, unresolved and continue to dictate daily living.  I mentioned above the people who I see drunk at 7am on banana beer - a cheap, locally brewed drink with a high alcohol content.  They drink to escape their memories, their past and even their future.  Beneath the smiles and daily greetings there is an underlying sadness and I can't help but feel helpless.

Next month sees presidential elections in South Africa.  The Apartheid regime may be a part of South Africa's history, but upon visiting last week, it is evident to see that breaking the chains of history are not so easy.  Whilst SA has moved forward and attitudes are changed - unspoken racial segregation/dominance still exists and is very much evident.  Like Rwanda, on the surface, SA has developed rapidly but scratch beyond the celebrations and pride of a free and democratic country, habits have formed that aren't easy to break and plastered wounds have left deep-set scars, a daily reminder that things aren't quite right.

I know that wounds take time to heal; that scars aren't always bad - being reminded of what WAS can help us to be thankful for what IS and hopeful for what WILL BE - I just need to remember that all of this takes time and not to forget that the process in reaching a desired destination/goal involves challenges and pain/s.  Progress should be celebrated, appreciated and applauded but the road ahead remains long and windy.  And without meaning for this to be a mere 'add-on' - I now feel ready to face Easter…I am beginning to understand a bit more of Christ's love and the hope that the cross brings through all that I have seen and heard this last week.  

Apologies for the heavy read - Happy Easter lovely readers! 

Human assigned value

With all the postings on Facebook of women sans make-up raising awareness and money for Cancer Research, it prompted me to think about what I/people put value upon in this world.

For me living in Africa, my make-up lies gathering dust in the corner of my shelf…so putting up a photo of myself without make-up is just what I look like EVERYDAY here (besides the days when I wake up super early and have time to kill before school…) - might still be shocking for some I suppose.

"It's sometimes a bit sad how women feel this conscious and subconscious pressure to look and be a certain way." 

This was a comment that a female friend made this morning to me.  But it's true, back in London, whilst I was never particularly one to cake my face, I still felt bare/plain if I did not at least have a bit of eyeliner "framing" my eyes.  When I would turn up to school without make-up (usually because I was running late), I'd without fail be asked if I was feeling ok/sick/tired - so naturally, I never wanted to look 'sick.'  Looking back, I used to spend a small fortune on high-end make-up to not look constantly ill!

Actually, the comment that my friend made was based on the fact that I told her that labels/brands here just do not exist in the same way that they do in the developed world.  Yes, you see them around but people do not wear them as a sign of status - the true commercial value of brands like Prada, Vera Wang, LV, Gucci, Ralph Lauren etc are just not known here.  I've seen Prada shoes in the market alongside shoes from Primark/Primani being sold for the same price.  I've seen men wearing women's clothing (not in the sense that they are wearing dresses or skirts but clothes that are sized for women or labelled from women's clothes shops.)

I guess we assign value and status to certain possessions in our lives - and sometimes sadly, it's based on the name/brand/label that the object/s carry.  Yes, sometimes we are paying for QUALITY but sadly, usually for me, it was for the brand - a momentary satisfaction that I could afford a bit of 'luxury' but the guilt that followed at the amount I spent seemed to cancel/drown that feeling out pretty quickly!

I mentioned in another post a while back about the clothing market here.  Not a lot is purchased brand new.  Most items of clothing are bought in markets - and these are stocked with second-hand clothes from the developed world.  Those 'Happy sacks' or charity donations you make every-so-often are often sold on, (NOT in the charity shops themselves) but sent to places like Africa to be traded in the markets - charities make MORE money that way!  A friend of mine here wrote an excellent blog post about it if you want to find out more:

http://kateturner45.wordpress.com/2013/11/13/africas-answer-to-our-overconsumption/

So living in Africa has been somewhat refreshing for me.  I have not needed to be concerned with societies' norms and pressures to look a certain way - I now fully appreciate how God loves and sees me - from the inside out…I am not loved because of the clothes/shoes I wear, or by hiding my blemishes - God looks beyond the surface and He sees ALL yet loves me/us all the same.  And with this same heart, that's what I want to be able do. 

I wanted to end with my neighbour wearing my Armani sunglasses…the cost of which would pay for her nursery fees (and a few of her friends) for a year or two!

Taking the fall...

A friend of mine got followed the other night unknowingly but thankfully made enough noise when she realised to scare the man off.

The first thing that she said was, 'I shouldn't have been travelling alone at 3am…'

Yes this is true, she shouldn't have been taking unnecessary risks - but then it got me thinking that she shouldn't be reduced to feeling that she was in part to blame.  What gives someone the right to intimidate another person or to take advantage in that way?  Surely the perpetrator is 100% to blame?

On my second night here in Cyahinda (back in September 2013), I was robbed.  To be fair, what they stole was not particularly of great monetary value - it's somewhat comical in hindsight but my first thought was, 'I shouldn't have left my room unsupervised.'  I blamed myself for what had happened.  In short, I had some workmen ironically fixing locks to my windows to make my house more secure - but they were the ones who ended up stealing from me!  I left them unattended in my bedroom and another room where I had begun to unpack things.  One of them emptied out my backpack, placed the contents on my shelf, took my shower gel, hand wash and a couple of toilet rolls and left.  The hidden blessing was that the contents of my backpack included my laptop, digital camera, passport and a shed-load of money - all of which were in their own individual cases - and he'd left them on my shelf and only took the backpack from my bedroom…

However, all I could think about was how stupid I'd been to let these men into my home and leave them unsupervised.  But why should I have felt this?  It was not me who was to blame surely?  Yes, I was naive and too trusting - but what gives them the right to take what is not theirs?  He/They may have argued that it was an open invitation - but who is raised to believe that everything is for the taking, no matter where it is found?  I'll never understand the psychology or the desperate state that people find themselves in to feel the need to cause such crimes.  Maybe if they see no other way…but it doesn't make it right and the victim should not feel guilt or take the blame - but we do.

No matter where we live, crime will always exist unfortunately.  We take measures to prevent it or protect ourselves from falling victim to it but if/when it happens to us we feel bad enough already; those sentences - 'I should have remembered to lock the door,' 'I shouldn't have been alone,' 'I shouldn't have been walking with my earphones in,' 'I shouldn't have left my phone on the table…' - why do we justify what happened by blaming ourselves?

I did pray for the men that had stolen from me that they'd be blessed by the toilet roll, shower gel, hand wash and backpack.  As inconvenienced as I was, he/they were obviously desperate for toilet paper!?!?!  The men were later caught and imprisoned for a couple of days but denied stealing from me.  I found it somewhat humiliating telling the police what they had stolen but left behind.  The WHOLE village and neighbouring village heard about me and my 'misfortune' - people began to look out for me, I don't know if it was out of fear/pity - but after that incident, I became safe in Cyahinda.  No-one dared to mess with me.  (Although I think another reason why they don't mess is because stereotypically, they believe I know Kung Fu!)

It's sad to think that the existence of crime so often shapes our behaviour; our ability to trust and general day-to-day conduct; it fuels our fears and prevents us from taking chances/risks but on the flip side, it can be the catalyst for building communities…just like mine here in Cyahinda.

HOW CAN I…?

I don't know where to begin with this post having written my last one not so long ago about sourcing local materials to make resources BUT, there are things that I know are of excess out there that would be HIGHLY appreciated out here…

So, here is a list of some of the things that would be MOST appreciated:

• A new nursery has started within my TTC to enable students here to do teaching practice.  Unfortunately, the TTC did not think it through very carefully and there are NO resources for the nursery.  I have made a couple of rice-sack dolls and cars - but children being children, they did not last a day with their rough handling.  The other volunteer blogged about this and he had an AMAZING response with people sending 2 huge crates of duplo-bricks, toy cars and other toys. So this is a shout-out for anyone with kids who wants to get rid of some of their toys/books/cds - send them out here please…
• As mentioned in my last blog post, my TTC is equipped with 8 computers (still running Windows 2000?) and two working printers.  Does anyone know who I can write to to see if they would donate/sponsor a new computer lab so that our 800 students can actually do the research that they need for their studies?
• Arts equipment - paintbrushes, paints, ink pads (we're making stamps and tiles for printing)…
• Sports equipment - various balls (football/volleyball/tennis balls), pumps/needles - surely there's someone I can write to for this.  Actually, it would be great if we could get an EVEN field/court to play on…

Students play on this in flip-flops and sometimes bare-footed too.  It actually looks pretty decent here…but there are rocks and ditches everywhere!

• I finally made it to church this week - in fact, I attended choir practice yesterday and church today.  To respect the new rules of the TTC being an 'English zone' only, the church is beginning to move from Kinyarwanda songs to English worship songs.  (Although the sermons are still being given in Kinyarwanda - and yes, I've been asked to 'preach' again - I've told them that there's a difference between teaching and preaching and the latter I find hard to do - but they're not accepting that as an excuse…)  I spoke to the 'president' of the New Ministry group, a self-taught pianist who is PASSIONATE about worship - only he doesn't have access to music & lyrics for many of today's modern worship songs.  CALLING CHURCH PEEPS - Would you be willing to donate CDs/music books of worship music? - surprisingly, they are really into Hillsong, Tim Hughes, Matt Redman, Reuben Morgan, Chris Tomlin…I've been asked to TEACH these songs - if you know me, I am musically inept - my only instrument being my voice and I haven't used that in a LONG time.  But I'm excited by this group of young adults (even if they are not treated as adults…they are!) - they are a small group but have beautiful voices - and so powerful too!

And then on a more personal note for ME :) 

• Food items: Nuts, dried fruit, packet soups, chocolate (Lindt Lindor/Pretzel M&Ms/malteasers), jerky, biscuits, cereal/muesli bars
• Books (I don't have a Kindle/iPad…perhaps I should get one for the convenience…hm…)/music CDs/DVDs - I bought Sherlock series 3 episode 1 on iTunes the other day and it said that it would take 108hours to download - needless to say I didn't d/l it.

But most of all, I just love a good ol' fashion letter/card and if there's a photo or two included, that's just a bonus :)

Thanks peeps - any advice about sourcing the above would be FAB!  And just in case you can't find my address on this site:

May Mak

℅ TTC St. J. Baptiste, Cyahinda

PO Box 224, Butare

Rwanda

E. Africa

Got to get ready for bed - 5am start for me tomorrow.  Off to observe/supervise 3 students on internship/placement in a school 2 hours from me, the bus leaves at 5.30 - then I'll be jumping on a moto at 7ish for about 1/2hour…LONG journey ahead :(

My job

After 6 months of being here, I think I can finally say what I'm (supposed to be) doing - to a certain extent…

Get ready for the mass of acronyms!

My role appears to change on a daily basis but I was employed by VSO (www.vso.org.uk) as an MRA - methodology and resources advisor.  In short, I mentor and train teacher-trainers in the use of LCM (Learner centred methods) and how to make and use teaching resources out of locally-resourced-materials.  I am based in the TRC (Teaching Resource Centre) and it is my role to ensure that it is an established centre for learning not only for the student teachers but also the tutors (teacher-trainers).  This means that it has to be fully stocked and managed and that the TRC curriculum is taught.

It sounds easy enough but getting tutors (who have often taught for MANY years - some more than me) to move from what they know as 'teaching', (and have themselves been taught using these methods) to something apparently completely and radically different is NOT easy.  The system here has been very much 'chalk and talk' - teachers lecture, they write on the chalkboard - learners copy; teachers recite 'facts' - learners repeat/chant back…it's what we know as rote-learning, it's all rather prescribed and spoon-fed.  So the idea is that I move teaching from TLM (teacher led methods) to LCM. 

Here are some of the barriers:

The language of instruction is English and often the tutor's English is barely any better than their students.  It's not their fault - English was only introduced as the medium to teach in in 2009 and it was a change that happened overnight.  One day the students were being taught in Kinyarwanda and French, the next everything was in English.  People are BRIGHT here, there is so much potential but because they are being taught in English, learning is severely hindered.

Practical exercises/experiments do not often take place because resources/equipment just aren't available - they are too costly.  Imagine learning to paint without having paints?  Or even teaching how to paint when you've never painted before?  Yes, that's happening here.  All lessons are theoretical.  There aren't enough books for EVERY learner to use, there aren't enough computers (we have 8 - supposedly…but they don't always work at once - for 800 students!?!), Internet connectivity is bad and electricity supplies are unreliable.  So my role isn't as simple as putting together an interactive flip chart - as much as I loathed the interactive whiteboard, boy do I miss it now!  I cannot go out and buy a mass of resources - even if I'm ABLE that's just not sustainable in the long run, I can't just whack out the plastic every time there is a need for something.  (It doesn't give out the right message nor is it good for my pocket either…)

I do sometimes feel like a bit of a fraud.  I'm training and supporting teachers who are TRAINED and EXPERIENCED - who am I to try to change practice?  Tutors tell me that they enjoy my model lessons and feel inspired by them but find it difficult to do it themselves.  I've observed tutors trying to BE me in their lessons - and that's NOT what I want.  There's a fear of thinking and stepping outside of the box; guidelines restrict, they are not considered to be lines that guide but rather a frame to work within and never to venture out of.  Things/concepts that I considered to be common practice/sense in the teaching world are evidently not here, they're just foreign - a bit like me.  

Today I observed another volunteer give a workshop.  He started with this phrase, 'Teaching as you know it is not teaching, teachers today are not teachers but are facilitators of learning.'  I wasn't particularly keen on this phrase but maybe there is some truth in it.  Maybe that's simply what my role is - a facilitator of learning.  My (or VSO's) way is NOT the be-it-and-end-all, I do not know best, I am not always right (even if I like to think I am!)…but my experience tells me that something has to change here and it starts with an attitude, the desire to change.  I'm thankful that most of the tutors I work with can see the need to change practice and are willing to be advised by me, for those who cannot - well, I let them be.

Learning - no compromise?

I'm not sure if I've blogged about this before - so if I have, I apologise in advance.

Before coming to Rwanda, I had two pre-departure trainings in Birmingham to prep me for life in another culture.  I remember asking the question - How much should you compromise in order to respect culture?  My question was not answered.

I've battled with this question for a long time.  I came to Africa believing that everyone was out to cheat  me - or would try to get what they could from me.  Without meaning to sound egotistical or even naive, it was more on the topic of 'paying' to get MY way - e.g. underhand payments to cross borders/receive mail etc.  I wondered whether or not I would compromise my moral/religious beliefs in order to get somewhere more easily/hassle-free.  I haven't faced this situation yet and I hope that if/when the time comes, I'll make the 'right' choice (if there is one?!)

However, what I have experienced is this:

Sitting in a bar with local friends.
"May, why are you drinking Fanta? Are you sick?"
- 'No, I just don't want to drink tonight.'
"Why?  Are you sick?  You can take one small Mutzig."
- 'No thank you, I'm not sick, I just don't want to drink alcohol tonight.'
"But you can take one small Mutzig.  It is our culture to drink together."
- 'I understand that and I'm sorry if I'm being rude, but I've had enough to drink thank you and I don't need another drink.'
"But you can take…"
- 'No, in MY culture, when someone says NO, it means no and that should be respected too.'
(5 minutes later, a bottle of Mutzig appears in front of me.)

A petty argument, I know.  It would be easier for me to give in and take the Mutzig (One of the two locally brewed beers in Rwanda - the other being Primus.)  I know I'm being 'rude' by declining a beer but I'm either content with my fizzy drink (fanta) or I just don't NEED another drink.  Countless times I've explained the waste not only in money but of the actual drink if one was to be opened and placed in front of me.  I simply would not drink it - by this stage, just to make/prove a point - yes, STUBBORN  (I wonder where I get that from?!?)

I also find myself arguing over pennies here in Rwanda simply because I know I'm being ripped-off.  When I get on a moto/go to the market, I immediately enter into a bargaining match with the driver/seller over a couple of hundred francs.  One-hundred francs is the equivalent of just under 10p - and yet I argue because I KNOW that they are trying to overcharge me.  It's not so much that I can't afford the price they're quoting (although in some cases, I can't) but the fact that they see a 'muzungu'/'white-person' (yes, I'm considered 'white' here!) and so they pull a random (high) figure out in the air and try it on.  I've always loathed bartering anyway - I was never any good at it even when I lived in Hong Kong.  You'd think being Chinese that it was in my blood to haggle, but I just cannot do it!  So, quite often, despite my insides screaming that I'm being ripped-off, I sometimes keel in and give the extra 20p being asked for.  When I say it like that, I realise how insignificant the amount is and wonder what I'm battling with, after all, surely they need it more than I do?  But if I give in, the perception becomes set that it's ok to rip people off.  Maybe this isn't so much of a moral battle, in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter, that's just business sense right? - inflating prices to make the most gain?  Retailers/restaurants do it all over the world, but are they targeting people because of the colour of their skin?  (I know it happens in other countries too - that's tourism for you!)

________________

My final battle is one where my conscience is yet to be appeased:

In a restaurant recently, I asked for a drink and it came promptly, I was surprised by the size of it.  When the bill arrived, I was charged for a double drink.  In fairness, my drink WAS a double but the menu price did not say that it was for a single measure.  (In another restaurant previously, all servings were double and charged at the price quoted on the menu.)  BUT I also did not order a double (knowingly.)  The waiter responded, "I gave you a double so you must pay double."

In bringing this up with management, I was given the response, 'no matter, you don't pay, the waiter pays for his mistake.' - I know full well that the waiter will NOT be able to pay for it - or at least will be paying for it for the next month out of his salary so I was somewhat stuck because I was ABLE to pay for it, but wasn't willing to do so because (a) I felt like I was being emotionally blackmailed and (b) I ordered a drink that I was quoted at 4000f (£4) on the menu and NOT 8000Rwf (£8)!  So I am sad to say that I paid my 4000Rwf only.

However any remorse that I felt soon left me when I heard the waiter say to another waiter in Kinyarwanda, "this is not England."  Actually, he took the biscuit when he said to management that the 'muzungu has a problem' (in Kinyarwanda) - to which I retorted, "I am not a muzungu" and his response (in Kinyarwanda not to me but to the manager and other staff) was, "no, I see you're not muzungu, you are Korean." - that's when I blew a gasket!  It's not that he called me a muzungu or Korean but simply that he appeared to be mocking me when HE had made the mistake.  He spoke English, he took my order in English so why not say that sentence TO ME in English instead of directed to the staff.  (Maybe that was MY inference/perception of the situation and he did not mean to offend?!)  Still, evidently my Kinyarwanda isn't as bad as I think it is to understand what he was saying!  But I digress…going back to the situation - should I have paid the full amount?  I consumed a double (unknowingly) under the impression that I had ordered something from the menu that cost 4000Rwf.  In my mind, I compared this to a similar situation which occurred with another volunteer who ordered a soup and because the waiter decided to give her a double portion in one bowl, he then charged her for 2 soups! - Surely this is not right?  The customer did not ASK for 2 portions, and without knowing the portion size beforehand, how can they know they are receiving 2?

I'm still learning when to compromise.
I'm still learning to choose the right battles to fight.
I'm still learning to give up my pride.
I'm still learning...