The Waiting Game

I'm not very good at waiting.
It feels like that's all I ever seem to be doing, waiting for:

• a bus/train
• a response to a job application
• a film to start
• meetings to start
• meetings to end
• letters/emails/texts from...?
• results of exams/medicals/interviews...
• appointments (doctor/dentist/optician/prospective jobs)
• an answer to a question
• even, God

Perhaps I'm impatient.
Is there something else better that I could be doing?
What do you do to fill the 'waiting' time?

This may not be the most Christian of anecdotes - but I'm forever reminded of the story about the man who prayed every night that he would win the lottery.  After weeks/months/years of waiting unsuccessfully to win, the man screams at God and says, 'why don't you answer my prayer?'  God responds, 'because you didn't buy a lottery ticket.'

I am currently in a state of restless limbo - uncertain of what the future holds but itching to move forward, to rediscover purpose, routine and passion in my daily life.  What exactly my 'lottery ticket' is, I do not know, but I realise that I must be actively seeking an answer somehow.  For the time being, I have decided to move away from classroom teaching - although my recent visit to my former primary school did make me reconsider for a split second.  (Thank you all at Christ Church for making me still feel part of your wonderful family despite having left two years ago!)  But the truth of the matter is that volunteering opened doors that I never knew existed (for me)...

And now follows the dilemma when faced with doors of opportunity.  If I face a closed door, what should I do?  Is it closed for a purpose?  Do I wait for someone to open it?  Do I knock and wait?  Or do I just try to open it myself?  Perhaps it's not just waiting that frustrates and confuses me but the different doors before me.  Some are easier to open than others but which do I actually walk through?

I've decided to 'knock and wait' but in the meantime, I hope to keep a hand/foot/eye in primary education and become a private tutor...SO, if there are any (North London based) parents looking for an English/Science or Maths tutor for KS1/2 (or know of ones who are looking) - LOOK NO FURTHER!  Please do get in contact if you are interested.

In any case, I am waiting.
Isaiah 40:31

Google Earthing

Friends have asked/encouraged me to continue with my musings...so here I am.

I've been back a month already (how? I do not know, but it feels like the fastest and the slowest month of my life all at the same time!)
I'm feeling somewhat out of place...still...
2 successful job applications, 2 unsuccessful interviews and I'm left with a sense of uncertainty.
Perhaps my confidence has been shaken - for what I thought I knew to be true of myself appears to no longer stand...

So what's the rush to apparently 'settle' into life here again?  (I avoided using the word, 'back' because I don't want to go backwards...) Thankfully I am in a privileged (and luxurious) position to be free from financial responsibilities (although I do miss my car...), I am surrounded by the love and support of my family (and friends) and I am grateful for the years of squirrelling I did before volunteering in Rwanda.  It would appear that I need to ease off the self-imposed pressure upon myself.

My mind may be tempestuous, but with a little faith, I know the storm will pass.  (Matthew 8:23-27)  So much to be learnt from this story - despite knowing what has been before having lived and breathed the miracles passed, when the winds roar and the waters rise, what do I do?  I call out to God but in panic rather than in faith.  In truth, I'm not in such a dire position at all, I simply miss my life in Rwanda.

So here's what I did, I Google Earthed* where I used to live:
*A new verb that I decided to create

Kinda cool eh?  What the above image doesn't quite show are the contours of the land - basically, between 'The Stadium' and 'The TTC' there is a deep chasm/valley (rather than what you perhaps thought of as flat fields that you could easily pass through to reach the other side.)  The paths are there for a reason...and 'My house' was at the very edge of a massive drop - which you might be able to see more clearly in the next photos.

Even though I have put countless pictures of my former house on my blog, here are a few more to give you a bit of perspective on exactly how compact my life was...

The Tigo building on the end, closest to my (former) house was my local shop, where Jean-Paul, my friendly neighbour, who often used to give me eggs for free, relocated to after being evicted from the mud-hut house next to mine.  (That house actually looks a lot like my old house but with bigger windows!)

The next photo shows the road to the district office at 5.30am, the day I was due to fly back home.  I was standing in the same place as where I took the photos above, only I turned 180 to have two boys from my neighbourhood hug me goodbye and go on their merry way...I don't know where they were going but it was a long road ahead.

This is basically 'The Centre' - i.e. Cyahinda Centre

The path ahead (veering slightly left) was my route to work each day with 'Mama Kabebe's' (my local friendly watering hole) just to the right of that path, just beyond the electricity pole.

I miss the beauty, the simplicity and the disorganisation of Rwanda living but most all, I miss my community.  Only a few elements from my pre-empted reverse-culture-shock post written a couple of months back ring true now.  Mostly I am in mourning for a life that I wonder if I'll ever taste again.

Hard

It's hard to put into words what I've been feeling since being back.

In essence, I never thought it'd be this hard.

Hard to see what lies ahead
Hard to understand what I actually see in front of me
Hard to let go of what I've left
Hard to know that those that I love and love me worry for me

But...

Yesterday was a revelation.  We sang one of my favourite worship songs last night and it spoke volumes to me:

"From The Inside Out" - Joel Houston

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart, in my soul
I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

"Your will above ALL else, my PURPOSE remains" - I find it hard to get out of bed when I supposedly have no purpose to do so right now...but I know that HE has a purpose for me - I've just got to ASK and SEEK Him.

So surprisingly, the talk that followed was also most pertinent, based on Matthew 7:7-14:

Ask, seek, knock

7 ‘Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

9 ‘Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

The narrow and wide gates

13 ‘Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

These are MY verses - the verses I used at age 17 to share my testimony before my baptism; the verses that have brought me comfort and revealed to me the heart of the 'father's' heart.  It was good to be reminded that if we ask God a question, He will answer - but how he answers won't necessarily meet our expectations.  

So now it's a matter of asking and seeking.  And, not that I'm a parent, but I can only imagine how it must feel for the day when your child no longer seeks guidance from you, they become (or believe themselves to be) independent and self-reliant, struggling to solve situations alone and close their ears to (well-meaning) advice.  (Although this knowledge still doesn't stop me snapping at my mother!)  When it comes to God, there is no need for me to come with my tail between my legs and feel shame at having to ask for help (because I haven't done so for such a long time) - He welcomes me with open arms.

I wasn't looking for any answers, I was just happy to wallow in this 'hard' state for a bit and so as I travelled back from church, I was struck again - by a 'randomly' shuffled song:

"Mountain Of God" - Third Day

Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn't even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

'Til You opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn't ever make it
Without You

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
But of all I've had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what's in front of me
With what's in front of me

Last night, I felt like God had knocked me down a few times and more - each time I felt ready to get up, I was struck again.  It wasn't enough to have responded with words of, 'I hear you' - not until I truly heard Him say, 'Here I am' - and for me to echo those words back.

I know that friends and family have been concerned about me of late - but you needn't be.  I'm ok and will be ok...but thank you for your support.  It'll take time for me to 'adjust' but I know that it's His time...so that's ok.

Impact

Living in Rwanda, I constantly questioned the impact that I was having and now, sitting in the airport at Amsterdam waiting for my connecting flight after a 10+ hour flight, I can see what impact I had on people and vice versa.  

My final farewell as you can well imagine, was somewhat teary and bitter-sweet.  The last 48 hours in the village was filled with countless visits, copious amounts of beer and many verbal blessings.  I was overwhelmed by the people who called me, texted me, whatsapped me, visited me to TELL me the impact that I had in their lives and within the community.  Whilst I take much of it with a pinch of salt, I was touched nonetheless by the types of people who seemed to come out of nowhere to thank me for my time in Rwanda - from bus-taxi drivers, sector executives, the quietest of TTC colleagues, shop keepers, children and neighbours.  Despite being such an obvious presence within my village, I often felt anonymous, nameless and unknown.

Back in London (and other countries I've visited/lived in), I've always had the luxury of people KNOWING me - who know my emotions just by looking at me or hearing my ‘hey’, where words are over-rated and sometimes silent prayers spoken over each other is all that is needed.  I missed this immensely in Rwanda - but the last few days have shown me that I had this.

It's not only within the community of Cyahinda that I had this but my VSO friends are amazing too.  London living is/was convenient (although I didn't often appreciate it!) - having a car and being able to see someone in 10mins is sheer luxury - or even being able to jump on a bus at anytime in the day and night, and I hear there are plans for the tube to go 24/7 too?!  But in Rwanda, despite needing to spend hours on end (whether waiting for buses to fill or the actual length of the journey), squashed till your inners are ready to pop out, just to see one-another…we did it.  Most of my friends left for their Easter holiday before I flew back to London and yet on my flight day and still now, I am receiving Whatsapp/Facebook messages and photos to bless my journey.  These are the types of friendships that under normal circumstances may have taken years to nurture and in some instances, may never have even formed...but these haven't been the most conventional 19 months of my life...

And then I cannot forget my friends and family back home.  Cards, letters and care-parcels from all over the world - from Costa Rica and Mexico, USA, Hong Kong, Japan, Australia and of course UK...I have been reminded of God's blessings over and over again - from people I have not spoken to in years on end to my sisters and cousins who sent me regular 'survival packages' - my heart is filled beyond capacity.  Yes, I am getting sentimental and emotional, I think it's the lack of sleep and having been travelling for 24+hrs...

So, I leave you with this (taken from a previous post and expanded upon): even the smallest of pebbles will make ripples, sometimes you don't know how far they stretch but you've made an impact.

Five things...

This post is all about five things that have made a lasting impression upon me here...

5 unforgetable things that have been said to me here:

1. I wanna thank you so much for your contribution of helping me in my studies.  I wanna tell you you’re my role model in my daily activities whenever wherever I am.  I will think about your good behaviours and I will try to imitate them all in my life.  (From a former TTC student – via text…somehow they always get your number!)
2. God must have spent a lot more time creating you.  When I see you smile, I imagine how lovely you are.  (Yes, that was said to me – sick bucket filled…)
3. Am aint to blame for the feeling for you but my heart.  The feeling in me is unseen, untouched but just felt at heart!  I feel it is for you for I look at your eyes and see love in them…(Sorry to the person who sent this to me – but I know that I’m not the only one who received such messages…so this ‘feeling’ wasn’t just for me but hey, good luck with your quest!)
4. May, you have got fat.
5. May, you must be eating a lot of potatoes.

5 people (I’m cheating…more like groups of people) I’ll miss and am forever thankful for:

1. VSO friends (left and remaining) – I won’t name you all for fear of missing out peeps.  A lot of emotions have been shared amongst us and I look forward to all the reunions in the months and years to come! 
   
   
   
   
2. TTC colleagues – for their brutal honesty in the way I look everyday (whether I’m looking fat or ‘smart’, tired or sick…); For their openness in discussing personal issues – sometimes asking too probing questions or giving too much detail about things…and for putting up with me and the demands I had of them in terms of work.  This includes my unpredictable principal whose generosity knows no bounds, Louis – Patron who helped me immensely when I first arrived and Patrice, a tutor who was given the ‘pleasure/privilege’ to line-manage me…but he did a great job and continues to encourage and inspire me with his perseverance and determination to achieve his goals.
   
3. Local shop keepers, bar owners – Mama Kabebe (Christine), Masoporo (J.D), Jean Paul, Nsenga and Emmy – for supplying me with endless amounts of water, eggs, avocados, potatoes, bread, beer, brochettes, toilet paper, fanta…(on the odd occasion for free too!)
4. My night guard, Callixte and umukozi (house help), Gaudence.  Two very patient people who have been loyal and trustworthy and who have kept my house safe and clean.
5. My two buddies in the village – Anatole and Theogene.  Without these two in my life here, I’m not sure I would have stayed.  They stuck by me (and Jacko) through the ups and downs, they were my support and refuge, my joy and laughter – and the reason I now drink beer!  Their love and dedication to their family and those around them took my heart within the first weeks of being here.  They give and serve without question and despite having so little, they know what joy is and are true reflections of the overflow of Christ’s love.
   
   

5 sights that are imprinted in my memory:

1. The domestic animals that roam the streets freely
   
2. The view from my house
   
3. The night sky.
4. Lake Kivu
   
5. The gaggle of children that follow you wherever you go.

5 Kinyarwanda phrases I will not forget:

1. Mwaramutse/Mwiriwe – Good morning/evening
2. Amakuru/Ni meza – How are you?/I’m fine
3. Ndananiwe/Ndashonje – I’m tired/hungry
4. Hara shushye/konje – It’s hot/cold
5. Ndashaka…I want… 

5 sounds that I’ll probably continue to use back in London and be looked at oddly:

1. Eh, eh, eh – “You are kidding me?”
2. Eeeehhhh – “Really?”
3. Eeeeeeeeeeeee– “Yay!”
4. Oya – No
5. Nibabawe – “Wow…seriously?/That’s bad…”

5 habits that will be difficult to break:

1. Duplicating words for emphasis:  ‘no, no’; ‘slowly, slowly’…
2. Raising my eyebrows and widening my eyes to indicate ‘yes’
3. Greeting randoms on the street
4. Shaking hands when greeting people
5. Remembering people have a ‘personal space’ – there are never enough seats here; whether on the bus, in meetings, at meals…you end up either sitting on someone or just very close to them.

It's time to say goodbye.  Five days remain...

Pre-empted Reverse Culture Shock

This post is inspired by my friend Kate who wrote a blog entitled, 'You know you've been in Rwanda a long time when...'  

I thought I'd write a list of some of the quirks that I'll find strange being back in London - many of the things cross over into Kate's list.

So here goes, in no particular order - and apologies on the length of it:

1. A toilet that flushes
2. A seat that is properly fixed and fitted to the toilet
3. Hopefully not having to pee in a bush next to a colleague...(yes, that happened once - we were at a funeral and there was nowhere to go...she just suddenly lifted up her skirt, squatted and indicated I do the same...not in sight of others mind, but hidden behind some bushes...)
4. Water coming out of a tap and more specifically, HOT water coming out of a tap
5. What's a jerry-can?  Storing water?  Whyever would you do that?  Collecting rainwater - who does that?
6. Baths and showers...no more bucket washes!  Wahoo!
7. Walking out of my door and not feeling like a zoo animal/celebrity (there is a fine line!)
8. No 'muzungu, muzungu' cries out of nowhere
9. Having clean feet
10. The absence of 6am sunrises and 6pm sunsets where the sun blazes red and the mist blankets the lush green hills and valleys - of course there'll be sunrises and sunsets but I'll likely be sleeping or still at work...
11. The limited view of stars, planets, constellations...not being able to see the Milky Way even! :(
12. Being faced with a variety and choice of food, flavours and brands - not being restricted to '4 carbs on a plate' type of meal...not a cassava or cooked green banana in sight 
13. Oven, microwave, gas hobs, kettle, toaster, sandwich toaster...at least I can light a charcoal stove now!
14. Having supermarkets, bakeries, clothes shops, shoe shops, make-up counters - endless choice and at any time of the day...consumerism beyond need and even logic...
15. Not having to handwash my clothes - having a washing machine and a dish washer...(also known as 'mother'...)
16. Receiving calls from said-mother at 6pm asking if I'll be home for dinner...or when I'll be home because it is late and a single girl shouldn't be travelling around so late at night alone...I'll forever be 6 years old in her eyes...
17. No longer receiving random calls from strangers that I do not recall giving my number to...I will continue to ignore numbers that are not stored in my contacts...
18. Not being run over/surrounded by a mass of Moto-taxis - can't quite see black cabbies doing that...
19. Having a free hand where once a moto-helmet was surgically attached to it...
20. Giving thanks that waiting an hour for a bus is acceptable because it's far better than waiting for hours on end for it to FILL and be full before it moves 
21. Rush-hour squeeze has nothing on 26 people wedged into a 15-seater bus - or being sat on by the 'convoy'...
22. The sight of people using toothpicks to not only dig out the goat wedged in their teeth but also having a good dig in their ears too...replaced with people simply digging for gold on the tube/bus...(which they also do here in Rwanda but worst of all, they often reach out to shake your hand with the dirty member/s upon seeing you...)
23. Monday night family Skypes will be done IN PERSON!!!  Hello Olive, hello Max :)
24. Being woken by the sound of cars rather than mooing cows and bleating goats
25. "Callixte, uri he?"  Where are you night guard?
26. Walking freely down the street without having to greet EVERYONE that passes me by - ignoring and being ignored, gotta love British culture/conservativeness
27. Where 8am meetings actually start at 8am...
28. Being stuck in traffic - joys!  Driving again = scary but liberating!
29. Buggies and having my ankles bruised by them and men with babies...not a man in sight with a baby strapped to them but women are a-plenty, even during trainings and meetings
30. Mutzig and Primus do not get a look in when cocktails, prosecco and champagne are on offer
31. Simply getting into bed, no faffing around with tucking in the mossie-net...or sleeping in a sleeping bag liner in dodgy guesthouses...
32. Fitted sheets and duvet covers :)

This list could go on - perhaps it'll need a second installment next time - maybe when I've actually moved back to London.  My flight date has been set for the Easter weekend - 4th/5th April...watch this space.

Blink

There are moments in life that if you blink, you'll miss it.  I only wish I could capture those moments or occasions simply by blinking.  For a photo to be taken inconspicuously and instantaneously, forever captured on film and never forgotten.  But perhaps, these moments were never meant to be simply stored within my hard-drive but rather imprinted in my memory...

The child of no more than 3 years old carrying a miniature hoe over his shoulders, trailing behind his mother as they journey to work in the field – *blink* –

The walking trees, or so it would seem when a pair of legs and a bale of forage walks towards you on the dirt road – *blink* –

The apparently lifeless goats and pigs strapped to the backs of pedal-bikes that when at a stand-still bleat and grunt to reassure you that blood still runs – *blink* –

The countless star-filled night skies and upside down half moons – *blink* –

The toothless smile of the old man who talks at me in Kinyarwanda, praying that one day I’ll understand him and respond – *blink* –

The child struggling with a jerry can filled with water that is obviously too heavy for her to carry, yet she does…sometimes on her head, other times with it in one hand and walking like a scarecrow to keep balance – *blink* –

The women in the field, with babies strapped to their backs striking the ground with their hoes in unison as though they are performing some kind of synchronized-cultivating – *blink* –

The girl carrying a single notebook on her head as she walks to school because carrying it by hand is obviously far too easy – *blink* –

The women selling their harvest on straw mats or in wicker-baskets on the ground in the centre…2 avocados for 50f (5p), 3 bananas for 100f (10p), a kilo of sweet potatoes for 200f (20p)…– *blink* –

The men, women and children in their Sunday-best – *blink* –

The food-mountains on plates created by teachers and tutors at lunch during trainings – *blink* –

The pride spread upon a tutor’s face upon being told positive aspects of their lesson because so often, all that is offered are criticisms – *blink* –

That moment when my former neighbour’s children remember my name and shout it repeatedly whilst running excitedly towards me to greet me – *blink* –

The mist that blankets the hills and valleys as the sun rises red in the sky...beauty beyond description – *blink* –

Moments like these will likely haunt me for many years to come calling me to, 'never forget.'  My leave date has not been finalised but it is imminent...