I have come to realise that I am not alone
– and yet this does not bring me comfort as one would expect. Perhaps the thought that others are in
this same state of mind or experiencing the same frustrations as I am just makes
me feel all the more helpless.
And yet there are glimmers of sunshine,
rays of hope and a gentle whispering of something different in the air.
It is two weeks since my impromptu break
down speech and little has changed but there has been some…and some or rather, a
little is better than none. A
colleague reminded me that I am not here to change the world. At the end of my time here, if ONE
person has changed just ONE element of their work because of my time and
efforts invested in them, then I have made a dent – and that should be
enough. This brought me little
encouragement but then he did also add that my presence here impacts lives beyond
my ‘work:’
Just greeting someone in the morning with a
‘mwaramutse, amakuru, n’amahoro’ – ‘goodmorning, how are you, do you have
peace?’ can bring a sense of belonging/being to someone who is otherwise
anonymous or ignored.
Listening to a student share their thoughts
gives a voice to someone who in a sea of 800 others is often unheard.
Interacting with the street kids shows
people that ‘muzungus’ are human and not so different to them (although I am
sure that I will always BE ‘different’ even if people know that I am not…) and
finally;
My mere presence raises a mass of questions,
whether on the streets or even within my workplace…and making people think
is not a bad thing.
I often wake and wonder why I am here – a
common thought amongst volunteers.
I sometimes feel like I sacrificed much for not knowing my exact purpose
here. There is much that I
miss and long for – and yet, my comfort lies in knowing that in some way, all
those people and all those situations will always be part of me, no matter
where I am. I have dents all over me made by people and situations over the years - and each one has shaped me into who I am today.
I have learnt much (about ME) here and have
grown to be thankful for much also.
It’s such a cliché when people speak of moving abroad and ‘finding
themselves’ – I’ve always known who I am and yes, with each new place I live
in, I DO discover a little more about what I can/can’t handle but most of all,
I don’t find myself but GOD always finds me. He shows me how and how much He loves me (and others) and
who He has designed me to be. I am
not here to change the world but to simply BE and perhaps, through my being,
people around me will SEE God and be moved into action. For now, I am content in simply BEING here, knowing that my work is not what defines me or has the most impact but my mere presence is stirring something, even if the changes are small - there IS change! I continue to receive dents whilst here, some larger than others, but that's from those who are also simply BEING. As cliché as my parting line
may be – there is a simple truth to be found in it –
God made us human BEings not human DOings.
