What's in a name?

Every child has a right to a name; not a label...

My name is…

My name is not Refugee.

My neighbourhood was bombed and was no longer safe - so we had to leave.

I am a refugee, but that is not my name.

My name is not Child.

I am ten years old; I am a child, but that is not my name.

My name is not Orphan.

One day, men carrying guns took my father.  My uncle took me in.

I am an orphan, but that is not my name.

My name is not Muslim.

My father taught me to pray every day; my uncle teaches me the same.

I am Muslim, but that is not my name.

My father used to tell me it took a long time to choose a name for me.

I want to keep it.  I want you to use it.

My name is not a label - it is my right.

My name is…

2 years ago...

Over the last week or so, my Facebook newsfeed has been filled with reminders of things that happened 2 years ago.

What happened 2 years ago for me?

2 years ago, on September 6th 2013, I started my journey to Rwanda, landing into the capital Kigali on September 7th to begin my 10 day orientation with other fresh-faced, wide-eyed VSO volunteers from around the world.

I still remember the sights, sounds and smells that hit me as we all boarded the minibus to our orientation venue; cocktail feelings of anticipation, anxiety and excitement filled the air.  As we drove through the outskirts of Kigali, I wanted to capture EVERY sight with my camera from the PAVED roads and modern dress of the people to the man with 10+mattresses stacked upon his head...but I knew I had at least 12 months to do this...so I savoured the moments instead.

Squashed on the bus - but I'm sure we could have fit a few more in if we needed to...

2 years ago, on September 13th 2013, I took my first moto ride in Rwanda.  I couldn't get enough of them in the end...even to the point where I considered getting a motorbike licence!

Inappropriately dressed for a moto-ride

2 years ago, on September 17th 2013, I was introduced to the creative/literal-nature of Rwandan cooking/fast food - this is a pizza & chips, my favourite is the omelette & chips (fondly known by VSOers as 'The Chomlette.')

2 years ago, on 19th September 2013, the principal from the TTC (Teacher Training College) where I was to be posted, collected me to take me to the village.  First stop Nyabugogo (the main bus park.)  If you've ever watched 'The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel' - yes, that's set in India...but the experience I had wasn't too dissimilar to their first experience of catching a bus; my luggage was taken from me to be loaded on the minibus (inc. basins, buckets, jerry cans and other household items).  I was jostled onto the bus, withering in the heat; squished next to my principal and my two suitcases, I watched helplessly as my belongings passed by my window and disappeared somewhere unknown - probably never to be seen again...but 3 hours later, despite the many stops and unloading of goods from the back of the minibus, ALL my items were unloaded successfully - and NO breakages!

After a long lunch at the principal's home, we got into his 'vintage' VW-something-or-other (rusty and missing a few features - possibly nearly as old as I am?!) and headed further south to the village.  The scenery that passed me by was breath-taking - Rwanda is beautiful!  The roads wind round rolling, lush green hills, crafted carefully to make plots of farmland; towering Eucalyptus trees and arching Acacia trees line the edges of the roads with mud-brick houses appearing every so-often...and then the rain hit.  Just as we turned into the 'dirt' road, the rain came lashing down.  My principal, instead of slowing down seemed to speed up trying to reach our destination as quickly as possible.  I prayed for our lives - the dirt road clung to the edge of the mountains that we sped around - it was on the passenger side (my side) that the edge of the road was marked by a sheer drop...and then 45mins later...we arrived in Cyahinda.

Dark, and still pouring with rain we arrived at my new home to find that it was flooded...my mattress sodden through and there was no power!  The principal told me that I'd have to stay with him in the school compound.  A million and one thoughts rushed through my head - all that 'security' training that I had before leaving was to prepare me for this moment - it just came sooner than I thought.

I started to wonder if I'd made the right choice to move to Rwanda when the principal took me to the local bar - despite the warmth of the local people there, who after they got over the fact that I was (a) 'white' and (b) female, plucked up the courage to make me feel welcome by communicating in the little English they knew and learnt; I was very much ready to escape when a visiting priest decided to tell me incessantly that he loved me and wanted to marry me.  The principal, on several occasions, had to push the priest away because he was getting somewhat handsy.

That ended day one of being in Cyahinda.  2 years ago, today - that was my experience.

2 years ago, on 20th September 2013, I moved into my new house.  I had a roof over my head, it had electricity (after topping up the cash power/meter) but no running water and an outdoor pit-latrine, which was essentially a very deep hole with two flat stones on either side to place your feet.)  My closest water source was apparently 50 meters away...although I'm not so sure, I think in the end my helper used to get water from the TTC because it was free - 700m away!  (Imagine walking for 700m with 2 x 20l jerry-cans...she was a strong woman!)

 

Life in Cyahinda had started.  No sooner had I started to clean and unpack my belongings in my new home, I got a knock on my door to invite me to a football match.  Life in Cyahinda had started.

This was all 2 years ago but it feels like yesterday.

2 years ago, my life was turned upside down, but I wouldn't have had it any other way.

HANDS

Hold my hand – support me, comfort me, guide me, lead me

Hold my hand and I will support you, comfort you, guide you and lead you

Hands write, craft, build, create

Hands strike, destroy and violate

With one hand I defend, and with the other I attack

With one hand I affirm and exalt, and with the other I demote and dishonour

If my hands could speak, what would they say?

If your hands could speak, would you stand tall or rather feel small?

My eyes may be the window to my soul

But my hands are the canvas to my life

We're going on a bear hunt

Michael Rosen's book, 'We're going on a Bear Hunt' has captured the imagination of countless children all over the world.  I have used it on countless occasions in my teaching - both as a primary school teacher and in Rwanda during my trainings.  But it recently resonated far deeper with me as I was reading Isaiah 43. 

Rosen's book is about a family going on a 'bear hunt' and facing many obstacles along the way.  With each obstacle, the family exclaim, 

"We can't go over it.  We can't go under it.  Oh no!  We've got to go through it!"

Isaiah 43:2 reads:

"When you pass through the water, I will be with you; 

and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; 

the flames will not set you ablaze."

Can you see where I'm about to go with this?  

It's been nearly 3 months since I returned to London from Rwanda.  People still ask me how I'm settling back - and I'm still finding it hard but I'm making my way THROUGH it.

Life in general, whether you are a christian or not will be filled with obstacles.  If we want to move forward, as in the bear hunt story, we have to understand that 'we can't go over it.  We can't go under it.  Oh no!  We've got to go through it!'  I'm still going through the 'oh no'-feeling of having to pass THROUGH this season/period/chapter of adjustment and settling.  In truth, I'm not entirely sure what my 'bear' is (i.e. the goal that I'm passing through all these hurdles to reach), but I'm persevering, building resilience along the way and rested in the knowledge that God is with me, just as Isaiah 43 states.

The Waiting Game

I'm not very good at waiting.
It feels like that's all I ever seem to be doing, waiting for:

• a bus/train
• a response to a job application
• a film to start
• meetings to start
• meetings to end
• letters/emails/texts from...?
• results of exams/medicals/interviews...
• appointments (doctor/dentist/optician/prospective jobs)
• an answer to a question
• even, God

Perhaps I'm impatient.
Is there something else better that I could be doing?
What do you do to fill the 'waiting' time?

This may not be the most Christian of anecdotes - but I'm forever reminded of the story about the man who prayed every night that he would win the lottery.  After weeks/months/years of waiting unsuccessfully to win, the man screams at God and says, 'why don't you answer my prayer?'  God responds, 'because you didn't buy a lottery ticket.'

I am currently in a state of restless limbo - uncertain of what the future holds but itching to move forward, to rediscover purpose, routine and passion in my daily life.  What exactly my 'lottery ticket' is, I do not know, but I realise that I must be actively seeking an answer somehow.  For the time being, I have decided to move away from classroom teaching - although my recent visit to my former primary school did make me reconsider for a split second.  (Thank you all at Christ Church for making me still feel part of your wonderful family despite having left two years ago!)  But the truth of the matter is that volunteering opened doors that I never knew existed (for me)...

And now follows the dilemma when faced with doors of opportunity.  If I face a closed door, what should I do?  Is it closed for a purpose?  Do I wait for someone to open it?  Do I knock and wait?  Or do I just try to open it myself?  Perhaps it's not just waiting that frustrates and confuses me but the different doors before me.  Some are easier to open than others but which do I actually walk through?

I've decided to 'knock and wait' but in the meantime, I hope to keep a hand/foot/eye in primary education and become a private tutor...SO, if there are any (North London based) parents looking for an English/Science or Maths tutor for KS1/2 (or know of ones who are looking) - LOOK NO FURTHER!  Please do get in contact if you are interested.

In any case, I am waiting.
Isaiah 40:31

Google Earthing

Friends have asked/encouraged me to continue with my musings...so here I am.

I've been back a month already (how? I do not know, but it feels like the fastest and the slowest month of my life all at the same time!)
I'm feeling somewhat out of place...still...
2 successful job applications, 2 unsuccessful interviews and I'm left with a sense of uncertainty.
Perhaps my confidence has been shaken - for what I thought I knew to be true of myself appears to no longer stand...

So what's the rush to apparently 'settle' into life here again?  (I avoided using the word, 'back' because I don't want to go backwards...) Thankfully I am in a privileged (and luxurious) position to be free from financial responsibilities (although I do miss my car...), I am surrounded by the love and support of my family (and friends) and I am grateful for the years of squirrelling I did before volunteering in Rwanda.  It would appear that I need to ease off the self-imposed pressure upon myself.

My mind may be tempestuous, but with a little faith, I know the storm will pass.  (Matthew 8:23-27)  So much to be learnt from this story - despite knowing what has been before having lived and breathed the miracles passed, when the winds roar and the waters rise, what do I do?  I call out to God but in panic rather than in faith.  In truth, I'm not in such a dire position at all, I simply miss my life in Rwanda.

So here's what I did, I Google Earthed* where I used to live:
*A new verb that I decided to create

Kinda cool eh?  What the above image doesn't quite show are the contours of the land - basically, between 'The Stadium' and 'The TTC' there is a deep chasm/valley (rather than what you perhaps thought of as flat fields that you could easily pass through to reach the other side.)  The paths are there for a reason...and 'My house' was at the very edge of a massive drop - which you might be able to see more clearly in the next photos.

Even though I have put countless pictures of my former house on my blog, here are a few more to give you a bit of perspective on exactly how compact my life was...

The Tigo building on the end, closest to my (former) house was my local shop, where Jean-Paul, my friendly neighbour, who often used to give me eggs for free, relocated to after being evicted from the mud-hut house next to mine.  (That house actually looks a lot like my old house but with bigger windows!)

The next photo shows the road to the district office at 5.30am, the day I was due to fly back home.  I was standing in the same place as where I took the photos above, only I turned 180 to have two boys from my neighbourhood hug me goodbye and go on their merry way...I don't know where they were going but it was a long road ahead.

This is basically 'The Centre' - i.e. Cyahinda Centre

The path ahead (veering slightly left) was my route to work each day with 'Mama Kabebe's' (my local friendly watering hole) just to the right of that path, just beyond the electricity pole.

I miss the beauty, the simplicity and the disorganisation of Rwanda living but most all, I miss my community.  Only a few elements from my pre-empted reverse-culture-shock post written a couple of months back ring true now.  Mostly I am in mourning for a life that I wonder if I'll ever taste again.

Hard

It's hard to put into words what I've been feeling since being back.

In essence, I never thought it'd be this hard.

Hard to see what lies ahead
Hard to understand what I actually see in front of me
Hard to let go of what I've left
Hard to know that those that I love and love me worry for me

But...

Yesterday was a revelation.  We sang one of my favourite worship songs last night and it spoke volumes to me:

"From The Inside Out" - Joel Houston

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart, in my soul
I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

"Your will above ALL else, my PURPOSE remains" - I find it hard to get out of bed when I supposedly have no purpose to do so right now...but I know that HE has a purpose for me - I've just got to ASK and SEEK Him.

So surprisingly, the talk that followed was also most pertinent, based on Matthew 7:7-14:

Ask, seek, knock

7 ‘Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

9 ‘Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

The narrow and wide gates

13 ‘Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

These are MY verses - the verses I used at age 17 to share my testimony before my baptism; the verses that have brought me comfort and revealed to me the heart of the 'father's' heart.  It was good to be reminded that if we ask God a question, He will answer - but how he answers won't necessarily meet our expectations.  

So now it's a matter of asking and seeking.  And, not that I'm a parent, but I can only imagine how it must feel for the day when your child no longer seeks guidance from you, they become (or believe themselves to be) independent and self-reliant, struggling to solve situations alone and close their ears to (well-meaning) advice.  (Although this knowledge still doesn't stop me snapping at my mother!)  When it comes to God, there is no need for me to come with my tail between my legs and feel shame at having to ask for help (because I haven't done so for such a long time) - He welcomes me with open arms.

I wasn't looking for any answers, I was just happy to wallow in this 'hard' state for a bit and so as I travelled back from church, I was struck again - by a 'randomly' shuffled song:

"Mountain Of God" - Third Day

Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn't even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

'Til You opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn't ever make it
Without You

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
But of all I've had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what's in front of me
With what's in front of me

Last night, I felt like God had knocked me down a few times and more - each time I felt ready to get up, I was struck again.  It wasn't enough to have responded with words of, 'I hear you' - not until I truly heard Him say, 'Here I am' - and for me to echo those words back.

I know that friends and family have been concerned about me of late - but you needn't be.  I'm ok and will be ok...but thank you for your support.  It'll take time for me to 'adjust' but I know that it's His time...so that's ok.